


Our way of being us

by SPNHP



Series: Brothers, through it all [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Dean feels guilty, F/M, Gen, In a way, Pining!Sam, Unrequited Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Unrequited Love, Wee!chesters, Weechesters, and sam - Freeform, even f he dd nothing wrong, in which Dean, nothing happens between the brothers, puts himself in a sexual situation, sam just loves his big brother too much, the underage warning is because the boys discuss an event regardind their childhoods, was having sex, who was also underage, who was underage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-31
Updated: 2017-10-31
Packaged: 2019-01-27 06:59:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12576256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SPNHP/pseuds/SPNHP
Summary: Sam and Dean discuss an event from their childhood that, while only mildly embarassng to Sam, left Dean with a set of impressions, about himself, his brother, and their relatonship, that aren't actually true but drag his entire being down, with gult and shame. Can Sam repair that without letting out one of his best kep secrets?References my previous work "One ticket to Chick-Flick Land, please", and would make more sense if you read that first, but can stand as its own piece.Set loosely in between Demon Dean and Mary's return.





	Our way of being us

**Author's Note:**

> So, basically, this is a situation I 100% believe happened at one point or another in the boys lives, and how they dealt with it. Of course Dean internalizes guilt like a pro, and Sam is a sweetheart who had good intentions, but oh boy did he fuck up a little.  
> Please give me feedback! I'd love to know your opnions on this!

They seriously needed to get their shit together and stop pretending. One day, it was Dean with a movie. The other, Sam would start a wrestling match, “accidentally” making sure they ended up falling in bed, too tired to go to their proper rooms. Hell, they’d even fall asleep on the library, instead of trying to rest by themselves. It wasn’t that they couldn’t do it but the prospect of cold, loneliness and worry, and hours tossing and turning only to fall into pitiful, short slumber, after remembering how safe and warm it was with each other, how easily they could rest, couldn’t be less appealing.

  
It was a game they’d played throughout their entire childhoods. Even when dad would leave them in rooms with two beds, one would always remain unused, the brothers finding it way too hard to fall into slumber without each other’s presence, body heat, and comfort. Of course, back then they were more open about it, and of course, that’ been before Sam pushed Dean off and kept him at arms length. Or as much of an “arms length” you can get, living in each other’s pockets their whole lives. Sam wonders if those were the last times they’d had rested completely, and if so, why they’re both so masochist, but still won’t be the one to bring it up.

  
Today, the excuses had gotten thinner, so he’d simply plunked right besides Dean in the bed, reading something in his tablet, while Dean watched a movie on Netflix, using the laptop. Sam joined him (the reading wasn’t very immersive). They ended up having a petty banter over which lead actress is hotter by the end of it, didn’t notice the screen changing to the “next in line” and jumped a little when the music for the other movie begins. Dean all but growled when the title of the movie showed up, and slammed the notebook closed hard enough Sam would’ve winced and scolded him, if his entire face wasn’t burning up.

  
It was a silly drama from the 90’s, the kind they’d watch eating pizza in one of the motel’s three channels. Actually, one they’d watched in exactly that situation. It wasn’t an outstanding movie by any means, and it’d never cause such a reaction from the brothers, if it wasn’t for one tiny detail; A pretty graphic and explicit sex scene involving a blowjob, and the situation that had arisen from it.

  
Sam breaks the silence. His face is probably redder than Dean’s that one time they’d gone to Miami and he’d burned like a shrimp, but he tries to make light of the situation.

“Hey, at least this time you aren’t drinking soda.” Dean’s still staring at the electronic device like it’s offended him. “Dean? C’mon, it was awkward, but why are you all tense?”

“I don’t think ‘awkward’ covers the fact you thought I wanted to freaking rape you when you were a kid, Sammy.” His voice is like steel, his face harder, but his eyes are a burning mess of emotions.

_“I can do that, if you want.”_

_“What?”_

_“Blow you. Or you can fuck me. You can even pretend I’m a girl.”_

Sam gapes at his brother, understanding settling in, and hushes to reassure the older Winchester.

  
“I didn’t think you were… Jesus, Dean, that’s not what that was about, Christ. I was a stupid kid, and it’s not like something happened, so why are you…”

  
“What do you mean, that’s not what that was about? What was it about?”

  
_Dean had choked badly enough soda snorted out of his nose, and he stared at his brother like he’ never seen him, before grabbing him roughly by the arms and positively growling._

  
_“What the fuck, Sam? The fuck you mean by that?”_

  
“I wasn’t… I didn’t….” Sam pauses, catches his breath, runs his hands over his jeans to clean the sweat, decides Dean is probably gonna find him anyways if he runs to freaking Budapest now, and resumes speaking “I didn’t think you wanted me like that, or that you were going to… Force me to do anything, if I didn’t offer first. I just… You were gone a lot, and I knew you were getting laid, and I was kinda… Jealous?” Jealous enough he felt like he had a constant tummy ache, but he’s not disclosing that information anytime soon. “I mean, I wasn’t used to not being the sole point of your attention, so I thought if I let you do to me what you did to them, you’d spend more time with me.” Dean seems like he’s gonna throw up by the end of his speech.

  
“You could have simply asked me to stay home more, Sam. Why did you think it’d take you doing… That, for me to spend more time with you?”

  
Sam wants to bang his head against something. Of course, even if nothing happened, Dean still feels guilty about the whole ordeal. Makes the younger brother feel sick, wondering how disgusted his sibling would be if he knew how much he’d wanted something to happen.

  
“ I knew you’d, that wasn’t the problem. I just didn’t want you to have to give up yet another thing because I was whinny, so I thought my plan was, like, win-win situation?” He tries to make his most innocent face, tries to keep his tone light and playful, but his voice quivers a little. It’d have been his freaking dream come true, to have Dean touch him like that, even if he’s somewhat grateful his brother had morals and it hadn’t happened then. He’d been away too young. “Seriously, it was embarrassing, but why are you acting like you molested me or something? You gave me an hour long talk about consent, made me swear no one had bad touched me and that I’d tell you if someone did, and nothing happened!”

  
Sam knew it was wrong to want his brother like that, wrong enough he could feel it curling on his stomach like a disease, but he’d hoped Dean would take him on his offer. Not apologize for something he had never done, promise to never hurt him like that, and send him to bed.

  
“I thought I’d done something wrong, messed you up somehow.” Dean’s half defensive, half inquisitive.

  
“What could you possibly have done to mess me up?” Sam’s eyebrows shot up so high they’d have disappeared if he still had bangs.

  
“ I don’t know! Talked about sex too much, or in too much detail, let you watch porn when you shouldn’t, or I don’t know, I thought I had groped you when I was drunk or sleeping.” Sam keeps shooting him disbelieving looks. “I mean, why else would you believe I would…” He can’t even say it out loud.

  
“Dean, I was 13 years old. It’s not like I knew a how lot about sex, let alone about consent. I just knew it was something you liked, and that you wouldn’t hurt me. I thought you’d take me up on the offer, but not because I thought lowly of you, I simply didn’t know it’d be bad if you did. It made sense to me back then, you made me see it was wrong, you didn’t do anything bad, and you sure as hell didn’t mess me up, okay?” He was quite frantic now. He was messed up, but in no way was that Dean’s fault.

  
Dean seemed to be evaluating his statement, eyes searching his little brother’s face for… Lies? Fear? Anger? Resentment? Finding none, he allows himself to relax a little. His brother had just been trying to make both of them happy, and nothing had really happened. He wasn’t a sick perverted bastard, and he hadn’t taken advantage of his baby brother, would never do it.

  
“Well, sorry for leaving you alone so much, anyways, your clingy bitch.”

Sam throws a pillow at his head with a laughing "Jerk!", and, just like that, the tension dissipates (although Dean isn’t opening the laptop anytime soon).

**Author's Note:**

> In case it wasn't very clear: Sam and Dean watched a move that had a sex scene, when they were 13 and 17. Sam proposes they reenact it, because he was a pining, jealous teenager who didn't know better and wanted his brother and didn't know how to act. Dean refuses, but feels guilty, thinking he must have "messed" his brother up in some way, for him to think Dean would hurt him like that. Years later, in the bunker, they end up coming across the same movie, and Dean admits he feels guilty because of it all, and questons what he'd done to make Sam be scared of him. Sam reassures him, trying not to let it be known he's been in love with his brother since he was 12.


End file.
